Thread

Our father, whom we called "Big Ted,"
spent all his life collecting thread.


One day he died, and in his will
he left his thread to brother Bill.



A subtle malaise seized my mind.
Murd'rous thought in thread entwined!


I twisted up Bill's neck with thread
and pulled it tight 'til he lay dead.


I sliced him up in several chunks,
the which I hid beneath our bunks.


I would have thought that, post decease,
he'd rest, in pieces, but in peace.


But no! He rose up from the dead,
his mind on just one thing: his thread.


He'd got from somewhere four arms more
and spun a web beneath the floor.


He pulled me deep inside his nest.
You wouldn't want to hear the rest.

The Great Snail

Vaster than empires and more slow slides the Great Snail.


When the Snail first came no tale tells. Since time immemorial our people have recorded its presence and measured its speed.


It has moved closer to our village by two inches each year. In the time of our children, or our children's children, it will finally engulf us and our way of life.


Or perhaps it will change its course and avoid us.

Who can say?

We bend to the will of the gods in this as in all things.

The Book of Job Comics

Though devils danced on his tongue nine to five, six days a week, Job never lost his faith.


His wife left him, his kids became drunken and dissipated, prophets prophesied doom, yet he endured.


Eventually, after a prolonged bout of herpes and boils, Job found that God himself had opened pony rides in town.


His wicked neighbors looked on in envy, God himself gave Job an all-day pass.

Two Bats

Two bats went for a walk.


They came across three lollipops!


"I should get two lollipops," said the large bat, "for I am five days your senior."

"No, I should get two lollipops," said the small bat, "for my first name begins with the letter M."


How did the two bats divide the three lollipops evenly?

They made lollipop sauce--and so can you!

If you like Pina Coladas,


and getting caught in the rain,


and makin' love at midnight,


Then you'll love the first issue of Noble Head Funnies! Buy it and Mr. Kitty Fluff will show you his collection of Hummel figurines!


And don't worry! Every delightful issue is still available from that old crusty guy at the cigar store! He'll just have to dig for 'em.


And there are more Noble Heads in the new "Slam Bang"!

Althea

Once again, boyfriends came around Althea's home by the gross.


This time, she decided Mitchell Moonhead possessed the strongest appeal.


Most days of the year he was idle. But, when the Moon chose to vacation, Mitchell was called in to substitute.


After Mitchell had brought her 12 boxes of chocolate and an envelope of Pop Rocks, she decided to let him go all the way with her.


No sooner had Mitchell removed his cotton Dockers than he received a telegram.


The Moon had been called away for a medical emergency. Mitchell's head was required immediately. Off it flew!


Althea sat down to an evening of pinochle with Mitchell's torso. A knock came at the door.


It was the Moon! It had looked down upon her and become smitten. It had faked a medical emergency to call Mitchell away.


The Moon took over Mitchell's body, and soon convinced Althea of its superior charms.

Mitchell looked down helplessly as his date succumbed to the blandishments of the suave satellite.


Althea married the Moon in a simple ceremony.


Unfortunately, her new husband tended to capture oceans in his gravitational pull, often resulting an an inundated abode.


When she complained to her spouse, he only beat her with his thornbush.


She divorced him with one powerful stroke of her golf club, and the Moon hasn't dared visit Earth since.


Mitchell was finally relieved of his celestial duty. But, he tended to sulk moodily whenever he ran into Althea at Club Bacon.

Satan's Flesh Zamboni